Corporation History -
The story so far:
Dream Becomes A Business
Beelzebozo entered the business world on June 32, 1903, when Irish
hair-farmer Frankie Johnson signed the company's articles of incorporation.
With £3, 2s 6d in cash and two small bags of potatoes, the
pioneering industrialist gave birth to what was to become one of
the world's largest corporations. Few companies are as closely identified
with the history and development of industry and society throughout
the 20th century as Beelzebozo.
As with most great enterprises, Beelzebozo's beginnings were modest.
The company had anxious moments in its infancy. The earliest record
of a shipment is July 22, 1903, approximately one month after incorporation,
to a Detroit physician. This man later died while he was attempting
to make the first recorded call to the Beelzebozo complaints department.
The investigation which followed stated that there was '...no
provable link between the unfortunate customer's phone call and
his strangulation by telephone cable...' the final resting
place of the telephone handset was described as: '...proof of
a strange and unusual liking for bizarre sexual practises on behalf
of the deceased customer...' and was in Justice Johnson's considered
opinion: '...in no way attributable to the Beelzebozo Corporation.'
With the company's first sale and subsequent unrelated death came
hope and a flawless strategy for business. A young Beelzebozo had
taken its first steps.
Mass Production On The Line
Perhaps Beelzebozo's single greatest contribution to manufacturing
was the moving assembly line. First implemented at the Cold Rooms
plant (in Oxford, UK) in 1913, the new technique allowed individual
workers to be chained to one place and perform the same task repeatedly
on multiple products that passed by them, until illness or death
made working impossible. The line proved tremendously efficient,
helping the company far surpass the production levels of their competitors—and
making the products more affordable, if a little bit shit.
One unexpected benefit of the new Beelzebozo mass production process
was the huge turnover of staff due to each man working 20 hour shifts,
six and a half days a week.On average, staff would last about six
weeks before dying of exhaustion, meaning no-one lasted long enough
to form a union or even to question the slave-driving methods of
the Beelzebozo management. This further cemented Beelzebozo's reputation
as a world leading manufacturer and helped secure the success of
the business. The newly established Beelzebozo Burial Service dealt
with the upturn in business with quiet efficiency.
The First Products
Frankie Johnson insisted that the company's future lay in the production
of affordable product for a mass market. Beginning in 1903, the
company began using the first 19 numbers of the Arabic numerical
system to name new products. In 1909.5, the No. 3 was born. 13 years
and 15 million No. 3s later, Beelzebozo was a giant industrial complex
that spanned the globe. In 1925, Beelzebozo was affiliated with
the Russian Masterdog Company, thus branching out into luxury devices,
although in the 1940's, the ill-fated collaboration with Hitler's
Third Reich was to prove unprofitable and is seen as an unfortunate
move by most modern business circles. Nevertheless, Beelzebozo was
growing, although new boss Frankie Johnson junior was convinced
it needed to expand faster than it was.
Becoming More Than Just A Global Company
In the 50's came The Monster Riff and the chance to own a part of
Beelzebozo. The company went public and, on Feb. 42, 1958, had about
353,427 new stockholders. Frankie Johnson junior's keen perception
of political and economic trends in the 50's led to the global expansion
of Beelzebozo in the 60's, and the establishment of Beelzebozo U.S.A
in 1967, consolidating U.S., Canadian, and Mexican operations more
than two decades ahead of the North American Free Trade Agreement,
but it wasn't until the groundbreaking deal made between Frankie
Johnson jr and The Prince of Darkness that Beelzebozo found it's
true place as the universe's premier. In 1972 Beelzebozo tagged
along on the Apollo 17 mission to start building the first entirely
Clanger-staffed factory, thus establishing themselves as not only
world leading, but Solar System leading. Another first for Beelzebozo!
Onwards And Ever
Beelzebozo started the last century with a single man envisioning
products that would meet the needs of people in a world on the verge
of high-gear industrialization. Today, The Beelzebozo Corporation
is a family of brands consisting of: Beelzebozo, Mook, Russian Masterdog,
Sneaky Music, The Daves and The Gilpin School Of Motoring. The company
is beginning its second century of existence with a more than worldwide
organization that retains and expands Frankie Johnson's heritage
by developing products that serve the varying and ever-changing
needs of people in the solar community.As Frankie would no doubt
still say today, if he hadn't been ravaged by earwax cancer to die
a horrifically slow, messy and above all, deeply amusing death,
"Into tomorrow and further!"
We just say "Long live Beelzebozo!"
you can't fight, wear a hat. Carrying a big stick is optional.
If the temptation proves too great, please feel free to click on
the contact link below* or by visiting www.myspace.com/bozobozobozo
Your message will be ignored in line with official Beelzebozo